stuck in a haze.

10 Days of Surgical Recovery

While I was recovering from my tonsillectomy, I kept a “Tonsil Log” as part of my daily writing. I had spent a lot of time reading forums and blogs on recovery, and I wanted my own real-time account of getting better. 

The following is unedited (except for a few small typos) from what I wrote on those days. I think how I talk about how I’m feeling is just as interesting as what I’m saying. I can definitely tell that I’m sick of thinking about it and writing about it toward the end— I just want to feel better. 

Well, here you are: 

Day 1 - Thursday (Surgery Day) 

Returned from surgery around 1pm exhausted, but okay. The doctor  gave me additional IV pain medication. When I woke up I just kept saying, “it hurts, I’m scared, please help me. It hurts, I’m scared, please help me.”

I started liquid vicodin on the hour, every hour as soon as I got home. My doctor said I could take a tsp an hour, or 4 tsp every 4 hours. I decided to keep with the low dosage more often. Missed a few doses for sleeping, and wished I hadn’t. Ate popsicles and chicken broth. Drank water with a camelpak, because the constant sipping is easier than forcing yourself into big gulps and got two full paks down over the course of the day. Went to sleep taking 3 tsp of vicodin and set my alarm for four hours. Woke up two hours in with a lot of pain, hard to swallow water. Was up every two or so trying to get more water and in pain. This really sucks. I can’t believe it’s about to get worse. 

Foods eaten: 

• popsicles
• chicken broth

Day 2 - Friday

Morning was especially rough. Going so long without drinking water while sleeping is tortuous. It’s tough to start drinking again, but worth it once you do. Was up at 7 and decided to start taking meds on the hour again. Tried a blueberry smoothie, but the milk made me too phlegmy. I stuck with chicken broth, jello and popsicles. Drank a ton of water, as much as I could. Refilling the camelpak three times by 5pm (over 2 gallons). Ate some salty instant mashed potatoes and cried at the joy of real food for the first time since Wednesday evening. A few hours later, I ate plain pasta with olive oil and salt. All the water makes me crave nothing but salt. Tried to do a few glasses of gatorade for the electrolytes as well. I know the worse days are coming up, so I’m trying to eat now to get my strength up. 

Not being able to laugh or talk is getting rough. I can only communicate with Daniel through g-chat and text message. I feel totally trapped. I have hilarious anecdotes about my recovery and can only write about them in this log when I’m not passed out on the couch like a beached whale. I have not said anything hilarious. Maybe they’re just funny in my head. 

Foods eaten:

• chicken broth
• scrambled egg
• mashed potatoes
• jello
• popsicles
• smoothie
• plain pasta with olive oil and salt 

Day 3 - Saturday

Decided to take meds every two hours throughout the night, instead of every four. It helped a lot to be waking up more often to medicate/hydrate. Woke up this morning in a fair amount of pain, that peaked after being up for an hour or so. I started to panic. When Daniel came to help me and wrapped some ice around my neck and, I was nearly delirious. I was getting paranoid, thinking there was someone in my head controlling the pain. Some force that I had to fight and stop. He made me some scrambled eggs with extra salt and literally fed them to me. It tasted so smooth, slippery salty— delicious. Then, I had some salty warm chicken broth. I think the amount of water I’m drinking has just got me on a salt craze. The rest of the day was more pain off and on— it comes in waves. 

I’ve been recording all of my dosage on post-it notes so I don’t lose track of how much vicodin I’m taking. Every time I write an hour and a dosage down, I wish I could speed up time while simultaneously wondering where all the time has gone. 

People have been trying to get me into Breaking Bad. I tried watching it, but seeing someone’s family fall apart because a man is struggling with the pain and debilitation of lung cancer doesn’t exactly make you feel better when you’re writhing it pain. I mean, I know he’s worse off than me but… bring on the 30 rock and HIMYM. 

It’s just as much my head, ears and jaw as it is my throat. Just everything hurts. I ran the risk of not having enough pain doses to get me through the night, so I went two hours without from 9:30-11:30. I woke up at 11:30 in a panic. Throwing the blankets off of me, afraid if I inhaled too deeply it would make it hurt worse. It was very difficult to calm down enough to fall asleep again. Pain at night was same as always— waking up evert two hours in pain, but getting back to sleep. 

Foods eaten:

• scrambled eggs
• jello
• mashed potatoes with french onion soup 
• popsicles
• avocado slices with salt 
• chicken broth

Day 4 - Sunday

Trying to space my doses out to every 90 minutes, instead of every hour. Too much and my stomach hurts, and I don’t want to become dependent. I think it’s also making me depressed. It’s a pretty powerful downer, after all. After I take them I get this feeling of hopelessness, like I’ll never get better and I’ll always be sick and in pain. 

I can definitely feel that final 30 minutes stretch between doses though. Most of the pain is in my head (as in a headache. the pain is honest-to-god real. If I could make this up, I’d be a mal-magician) , then my throat and then my ears. I keep thinking how the next two days will be even worse. 

Went for a walk this morning. The air is gorgeous outside. I have to bring my camelpak with me everywhere I go. A few minutes without drinking is agony. I went for a four block hike with my camelbak. Then I took a nap. 

Daniel took a photo of my throat today— he couldn’t get one yesterday because my tongue was so swollen. It looks like new scar tissue is forming above the old scabs. Not sure what that means. I’m just trying to power through it. Pain was even throughout the day, with one big crash around 4pm. I slept on and off through it— waking to take meds and drink water.

Tried to play LA noir with the boyfriend in the evening. It made me sleepy, and I didn’t get very far before I was sleeping. 

Foods eaten:

• Tea latte
• scrambled eggs
• chocolate frozen yogurt 
• mac & cheese
• popsicles 

Day 5 - Monday 

My surgeon said this would be the worst day, so I woke up bracing for it. Daniel set up my humidifier with a funnel made out of a trisket box so all of the water vapor blew right on my face. It was the best I’d slept since the surgery. I’d wake up every two hours for pain meds with my face soaked— I kept thinking it was snot or drool but it was just the vapor. When I would have that first post-sleep drink (usually the worst pain ever) it just plain hurt really, really bad. But, it didn’t make me consider murdering an innocent child if it would stop the pain. That’s progress! I backed a little off the pain meds today… tried to just push as much water as possible. I think I’m a bit over 3 gallons now. I pee every thirty minutes. Drinking water is now an activity for me. I sat out on the deck and drank water for 45 minutes today. 

Went for another walk this morning. We sat outside the coffee shop (Daniel with his coffee, me with a tea latte) and he FaceTimed with his parents in Crotia. It was exciting to see the people go by. But, I think my hearing is off. All the sounds were coming from the wrong places and I fell asleep with my head on the table. 

I want these scabs to fall off asap. Ate some avocado slices and they got stuck on my scabs— grossorz. I’ve been trying to gargle salt water to clean them up, but they’re still greenish. My right side hurts more than my left. 

Foods eaten:

• Tea latte
• mashed potatoes
• chicken broth
• popsicles 
• avocado slices. 
• mac & cheese

Day 6 - Tuesday 

I have lost my spirit.  My friend Chris came over last night, and I couldn’t talk to him at all. I ended up just sitting by while he talked to Daniel about fantasy novels and video games. Blech. I went downstairs to sleep and ended up having a breakdown. I feel like I will never be well and never have friends again. The scabs are just falling off in bits and pieces. I’ve backed off the pain meds, preferring downright pain to the emotional lows that the meds bring. I’m trying not to watch too much TV, but it’s tough. 

Foods eaten:

• Chicken broth
• popsicles
• kale, spinach pear smoothie
• chicken noodle soup
• scrambled eggs 

Day 7 - Wednesday 

Still can’t talk. I’m terribly lonely. Daniel’s worked from home all day and then went to a motorcycle class in the evening. I watched the debates and didn’t think much of them. Scabs are still slowly falling. I’m trying to think of new things to eat that make me happy. Today, Spinach florentine ravioli over cooked served with olive oil and salt for lunch. It was really delicious— though it didn’t taste like too terribly much. I think my taste buds aren’t working very well. So I guess it wasn’t that delicious. Everything sucks right now. Even ravioli. This is the worst thing ever. 

Foods eaten:

• scrambled eggs
• spinach, florentine ravioli
• oatmeal
• ice cream

Day 8 - Thursday 

I woke up in a moderate amount of pain. It’s really just the psychology that I can’t take anymore. I can’t sleep for more than a few hours. I can’t eat anything. I can’t go anywhere. Daniel has returned to work. It’s not so different, as he was working from home the whole time before and wasn’t really around. But, the house is decidedly empty. My friend Emily stopped by to visit. We read on the rooftop deck. I had other friends plan to come, but they didn’t. It kind of crushed me. Crushed me like, no one came to my birthday party crushed me. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Now it’s just waiting, like the end of a prison sentence. I’m miserable. This vicodin is a worst depressant I’ve ever experienced. 

I made peach blueberry pancakes, and eating something that delicious did, actually, really please me. As did the look on Daniel’s face when he finally took a break from working and ate some with me. It felt good to do something nice for him. See? Look. Happy, uplifting things are things that I can write. 

We sat in silence because I still can’t talk. He’ll ask me questions that are absolutely ridiculous to ask someone who can’t talk. Like, “what is the evolutionary purpose of sleep.” Seriously? I just shrugged, and googled it for him later. (I still kind of hate everything) 

Foods eaten:

• avocado cheese omelette
• kale, spinach, peach, pear, blueberry banana smoothie
• oatmeal
• peach blueberry pancakes 

Day 9 - Friday

I slept through the night.  I slept through the night!! I woke up and I kind of couldn’t believe it. I woke up in a lot pain, swallowing was really rough. But, I did it. My spirits have definitely improved. I think, in part, from backing off the meds. I took a walk back to my apartment and back— the longest I’ve walked since the surgery. It felt amazing. I then took a several hour nap, until two of my friends stopped by for lunch. They brought me chicken noodle soup and we sat on the roof top and I managed to talk a bit. It felt so good to communicate. I’ll never take it for granted again. Then, I slept until Daniel got home. I really wanted to go do something. I was feeling better, so we decided to try to do dinner and a movie. I ate a few lobster ravioli’s at an italian restaurant and then we went to see Perk of Being a Wallflower. That movie is fantastic. The ravioli was only okay. What the fuck, ravioli? 

I got really tired walking back. My throat started to get really sore, but it was all worth it to just be out and about. 

Foods eaten:

• Scrambled eggs
• Chicken noodle soup
• Apple sauce
• Blueberry, strawberry smoothie
• Disappointing lobster ravioli 

Day 10 - Saturday

This is the last day I’m writing. My voice is quiet and raspy, and I get tired from talking quickly. But, it’s improving. I didn’t take any pain medication last night nor today… and it’s nearly noon. It’s safe to say I survived the surgery. You can barely see the scabs now and I’m typing this out in the sun on the other side of the surgery. Thank god it’s over. I’ve lost 7 pounds. 

• tonsillectomy
• surgery
• surgery recovery
• ravioli
• survival
• log notes
• vicodin
• tonsillitis